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Title: Seminar in Douchebaggery
Pairing: Mike/Jenny, Mike/Rachel and Kyle/Rachel per canon (sort of - the is mostly gen, actually)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kyle thinks he's hot shit. Not everyone else is so convinced.
Disclaimer: Characters are property of the USA Network. This is a transformative work of fiction; no copyright infringement or disrespect is intended. No money is being made from this effort.
Warnings: God, where even to begin. Sleaze, objectification, general douchebaggery. See the title, really. Also, unbeta'd.
A/N: Right, so, watching ep 11 a couple of days ago, I was just itching for Kyle to get some comeuppance. Wish fulfillment, let me show you it. Now, I'm going to need to go take another shower to cleanse myself of this drivel. And because it bears repeating, really, I HAVE NO IDEA, GUYS. And as always, it's really [personal profile] robanybody's fault.

~*~


It doesn't make sense, Kyle thinks, that Mike Ross is Pearson Hardman's prize associate. Apparently he has some special eye for detail. Kyle, on the other hand, thinks Mike must have a pretty giant blind spot if he can't see that there's no way in hell they're going to settle early instead of going to trial where Kyle can wipe the floor with him, maybe hang him with one of those skinny ties he favors.

Skinny ties. It's unfathomable that someone who favors skinny ties would be Pearson Hardman's prize associate, let alone Harvey Specter's prize associate. That is a man with impeccable taste, yet he chooses Mutt Ross to the complete and utter exclusion of any other associate.

But all that's okay and will likely change soon, because Kyle has never met a trial he can't win - granted, they've all been mock trials, but whatever, he still had to win them - and this is no different. He barely even has to try, which is laughable.

Then he sees the way Rachel looks at the mealy-mouthed twerp, and that's plain ridiculous. Harvey won't even acknowledge Kyle, and the hot-ass paralegal is making eyes at Mike, what the actual fuck.

The taste of victory, though never in doubt, is especially delicious and heady; he doesn't even need the celebratory drinks, except, of course, for the rounds coming out of Mike's pocket.

Kyle's sure that after this, it'll be no time before everyone will forget Mike ever existed. Briefly he relishes the idea of Harvey coming to him and requesting him for his associate, and the look of shock on his face when Kyle declines and pledges his loyalty to Louis.

Which he would never do, because he's not an idiot and Louis is both off-putting and merely a junior partner. Still, the image is worth savoring.

~*~

Over the next couple of weeks, Louis makes a lot of references to ponies around Kyle that are as frankly discomfiting as they are encouraging, but Harvey still hasn't approached, nor any of the other senior partners. They're probably fighting over who gets him.

~*~

Kyle's in the middle of wooing Rachel - it's working, he can tell by the way her eyes are going a little glassy, also he won the trial for her, what's not to love - when Mutt comes up, and Kyle can't resist the dig. "Ross, you still work here?" He congratulates himself on not calling him Mutt out loud; Rachel would probably be insulted on behalf of all canines everywhere.

"Funny." Mike can't look him in the eye, and Kyle just has to gloat a little more. Only a little, there's a hot piece he is so close to tapping present. No sense in fumbling with the finish line in sight.

"'Cos I thought after I beat you - "

"Yeah, I got it." He's still not looking. Kyle decides he can be magnanimous and doesn't finish the thought - after you folded like a used, wet tissue.

"Thanks for expediting," he tells Rachel instead, letting his voice drop towards wet-panty territory, leaving her to squirm through whatever Mike wants.

~*~

He feels the tides are turning when Rachel asks him to dinner later, takes it in stride that it's for a double date with Mike - the guy is like herpes, honestly - because obviously she wants to rub Mike's face in the fact that she's with a winner now. Maybe that little slice that Mike somehow conned into being his witness at the trial and is now apparently dating will see the light, too, and want to join the sexcapades.

~*~

Mike's so clearly uncomfortable at dinner that it's impossible not to toy with him some more when the prospects leave for the bathroom. He's about to expound on how her knees were clearly weak when she asked him out, and how it's his firm belief that Rachel's freakishly flexible and with a name like hers, has got to be, like, a rabid wolverine in heat in the sack when the wolverine and the sweet little blonde bunny come back. Mike shoots up like someone dropped hot sake in his lap and insists it's time to go like the walking, weeping axe-wound he is. Kyle can feel his favorite I-Win-All-The-Toys-And-Your-Mom-And-Sister-And-Girlfriend-Oh-Wait smile breaking out as he gives Rachel-ine a thorough once-over and slides his arm around her waist with the intent of settling her on his lap and whetting her real appetite, getting this show on the road.

But something's wrong; she freezes up, and while she doesn't actually move away, she does start making token protests like she's not just as keen for him to nail her as he is to put the hammer down. Still, he can get behind the 'lady in public, freak in the bed' kind of thing she's playing at. When Mike snaps that she doesn't like it, Kyle just laughs. As if.

Thus, it takes him somewhat by surprise when they get outside and he gives her the kiss she clearly needs to ease her mind after Mutt's little scene, she slaps him. It only takes him a second to figure out what she's getting at. "You like it rough, huh? I knew you'd be freaky. You're better off with me, babe, Mike could never handle you."

She just stares at him, wide-eyed, so Kyle slides his tongue over his lower lip suggestively. That snaps her out of it, but not in the way he expects. She starts laughing, doubled over and, like, shrieking. Kyle looks around to see what set her off, but there are just a few perfectly normal plebians going about their business.

"You - wow," she finally gasps.

"I get that a lot," Kyle supplies.

"That it’s like you took a seminar in douchebaggery? That Mike's a way better kisser than you? I'm sure I want to have no idea how you've managed that. It's a little creepy. You didn't seriously think I asked you tonight because I can't contain my lust for you, did you?"

That... is like a bucket of ice water, or maybe the contents of a month-old Port-o-Let, coming down on his head. There's a buzzing between his ears, and he barely has time to worry that she's broken his precious brain with that tidbit before she's continuing, only now, he just really wants her to stop.

"I know you think you're really something special after that trial. You're not exactly subtle."

He wants to correct her, he was special way before the trial, that was just an opportunity for everyone else to witness and admire, but for some reason his words are failing him.

"You know how Louis gave you that pony speech? Yeah, he gave that to Mike, too. He gives it to a lot of people. And he may be referring to you as his pony now, but do you know that right now, Louis has a wager with Harvey concerning the case they're working together? Louis wants Mike if he wins. Know what Harvey asked for? Nothing, and definitely not you."

That’s enough to bring his words back. "What the fuck is it with everyone falling all over themselves over Ross? I'm the one that won the goddamned mock trial." he spits out, finally too pissed to care about actually sounding pissed.

She laughs at him again. He doesn't know why he ever found her attractive. "Do your research, Kyle. He's contributed more to the firm in the time since the trial than you have your entire time here, to say nothing of some of the things he pulled off before that. You?" She pauses, giving him a once-over that he thinks feels disdainful as she lifts a hand to hail a cab. It's not like disdain is something he's closely acquainted with from other people. Whatever, it seems her taste is drenched in fail. "You are just some cocky, big-mouthed jerk who happened to win a fake lawsuit, and the partners know it." She starts to move off to the cab that's pulled up, then stops, turning around. "And if you ever touch me again, you'll get to find out how you hold up in an actual sexual harassment lawsuit, got it?"

Then she's gone, leaving him standing there with the phantom pain of one of her stiletto heels lodged in his nuts.

Mike had, in fact, gotten there first. Harvey hadn't asked for Kyle, and Louis still wanted Mike despite him being a loser and how he has Kyle working for him already.

Just then, a curvy redhead bumps in to him, distracting him from his thoughts. He smiles his best come-hither smile and offers to buy her a drink, because he's fairly certain she has no idea who anyone else from Pearson Hardman is, and maybe that's just what he needs right now.

"As if," she snorts, stomping away with a swish of her hair.

Kyle can only stare after her and wonder why nothing makes sense anymore.

End

So. Distraction fic done, back to big bang. *cracks knuckles*
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